Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Dear Kim Jong Un: You're So Awesome

Dear Kim Jong Un:

I wanted to congratulate you on your successful July 4th launch of an ICBM. It really is an impressive accomplishment. Now North Korean missiles can, as you say, “reach anywhere on the planet.”

But I hope you keep something in mind. Although your ICBM may be able to “reach anywhere,” it is also likely to land just about anywhere.

So while you may target Los Angeles, your missile might come down in the mountains of Bolivia, or the Atlantic Ocean, or even Beijing--which sure would be inconvenient, wouldn’t it?

We Americans don’t have this problem with our ICBMs. In fact, we could target your left testicle rather than your right if we wanted. Not that left vs. right testicle makes much difference with a nuclear payload.

What's more, there does remain some debate among us whether you actually have two testicles. But that's a different issue.

Press photos from launch day show a big grin on your pie face. And we get it. An ICBM is a big step. Probably your rocket scientists and technicians were even happier than you. Since the missile didn’t blow up mid-flight, they and their families won’t be tortured.

Your birthday is coming up soon, Mr. Kim. We’re planning to send Dennis Rodman to sing for you again. This time you can keep him.


An American in Awe of the Dear Leader

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