Sunday, August 22, 2021

Joe's Lunch

So Biden is in charge of lunch, which is served at 1:00 p.m. He brings you a plate of fried eggs covered with swirls of toothpaste, then heads back into the kitchen. You call him out.

"This lunch is a disaster," you say.

"It’s not my fault," Biden says. "Trump is the one who decided lunch is served at 1:00."

“Huh? You put toothpaste on the eggs!”

“My advisors never told me not to put toothpaste on the eggs.”

Advisor appears in the door: “Sorry, Mr. President, but we’ve reminded you twice now that the toothpaste goes in the bathroom, next to the toothbrushes.”

“I don’t recall that,” Biden says. “And anyhow ... oral hygiene is an important goal. One we can all recognize and agree on. And I don’t know how you get clean teeth without toothpaste.”

“This lunch is a disaster,” you repeat.

“Well, I wouldn’t have made it any other way,” Biden says, straightening his apron. “I don't see how you can even eat lunch without teeth.”

“Where’s General Milley?” you ask.

Advisor, still in door: “He’s in a meeting with the Queer Americans of Color Alliance. Invited to speak on defeating white supremacy in the military.”

“But he’s supposed to be here.”

“It's an important meeting. It’s QACA.”


“Look," Biden says. "You just tell me how you get oral hygiene without toothpaste. Just tell me that!”

He shuffles defiantly back into the kitchen.

"I wouldn't drink that coffee," Advisor says, pointing to the cup in front of you.

"This is supposed to be coffee?"

"I get mine at Starbucks."

Advisor steps out.

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