Sunday, June 14, 2020

Voice and Noise



Sound affects me. Probably too much. The sound of a person’s voice may either attract or repulse. This has been true as long as I can remember.

It has happened many times, countless times, that what seemed an attractive woman simply opened her mouth … and whatever attraction she held was instantly snuffed. She needn’t even be speaking to me. If she’s with a friend in a cafe, at the next table, I will sometimes have to move seats.

It’s not just the texture or volume of the voice, but the manner of speech: the rhythm, diction, whatnot. All can be fetching or fatal. But mainly it’s the voice itself.

Men’s voices too, and children’s. There are men, if I had to work with them, it would be daily stress. Needless to say, working with a woman whose voice grated would be even worse. Because fact: Women talk more than men.

Among the children I teach there are some that have the loveliest voices. I don’t mean that high-pitched, innocent “child’s voice” either. Actually the opposite. A child’s voice that has timbre, a bit of resonance, is the most beautiful. My student with the fitting name Bella, now ten or so, is a delight to listen to. Her classmate Wesley too.

But also: Regardless of the person I’m with, music that annoys me can completely ruin a meal. The volume doesn’t have to be up. It just has to be trash, and audible.

And especially: Devices that speak, with their canned recorded voices, are anathema. Since they first appeared, I've seen them as a threat, a curse. Worse, there are more such devices every year. Regardless of what they say, whatever the importance of the warning, I want to smash them. And perhaps someday will.

I have never and will never talk with Siri. I’d rather not know the answer. I’d rather get lost.

Siri: that hydra-headed yet ever headless demon from Hell.

Have some deadpan with your coffee. Check out Idiocy, Ltd. Dryest humor in the west.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

CHAZZED, or: EEJITS IN SEATTLE



Just call us CHAZ
We got the razzle-dazz
And the Raz
Our soy burgers are tops
And there ain’t no cops

With minimum battle
We done took Seattle
Just to shake your rattle
The Mayor she on board
With our kinda horde

Borders they racist
But we got fresh faces
Guarding the perimeter
With the 9 millimeter

You can do your business free
But you gotta pay the fee
Cuz we for Anarchy
For a ten percent cut
We protect your Pizza Hut

We a one-party State
Where the People dictate
And our CHAZ will never die
Till they cut the food supply

Have some deadpan with your coffee. Check out Idiocy, Ltd. Dryest humor in the west.