The Jurors Speak

Casey Anthony's 'Bella Vita' tattoo.

Juror #3: Thing is, most of us here, we just felt, well, we felt there was a REASONABLE DOUBT that Casey didn't do it. I mean, it might not of been her is all. For myself personally, I think it's very possible a girl might clean her trunk with chloroform--especially, you know, if that trunk really stinks.

Juror #11: Yeah, I gotta agree with you there. I once let a few packs of ground beef in my trunk for ten days and, whooo, I'm tellin' ya, I wish I'd o' thought of chloroform myself.

Juror #4: Chloroform ain't that hard to get is all I know. My brother Zeke, he uses it all the time to sedate gals down at Randy's.

Juror #7: Whoah, girl! Randy's? I'm down at Randy's every Friday! I think I know your brother--Ned, right? He's a hoot!

Juror #4: Yeah, Ned. He's got plenty o' chloroform in his trunk, and he ain't no murderer. He ain't never killed no one, least not as I know.

Juror #6: I been to Randy's a few times. Can't say as I know Ned. But for me, well, whether Casey really done it or not, that's one thing, but it shore would be a pity to send a girl with such nice tits to the death chamber.

Juror #1: You got that right, Don. I mean, we here in Orange County, we got a regular deficit o' gals like that. This ain't no Miami up here. We can't afford to gas gals like that.

Juror #12: You guys are jis NAUGHTY! You shouldn't let yourselves be swayed by stuff like that! The fact is, most of us, we chose Not Guilty because someone else might o' feasibly done it. I mean, they couldn't PROVE BEYOND REASONABLE DOUBT that Casey done it. That's just how it is.

Juror #6: That's true.

Juror #12: As for myself, I'm wondering about that meter reader. That guy was a MEDIA HOUND. And you know what they say--how criminals go back to the scene of their crime. Well, that guy just kept goin' back to look at that skull. How many times that guy go back there?

Juror #4: I'm thinking it was drowning. That girl loved that pool too much, and they just didn't keep that door locked. That poor girl drowned, and then the meter reader probably saw it and decided to get famous by putting the body in the swamp.

Juror #1: It is certainly possible that meter reader got into the house through the same door Caylee got out. He had to get in to get the laundry bag to wrap her body in. Those meter readers, you gotta keep an eye on them always. They see a lot o' things from their job description, they're lookin' in everybody's yards and windows, and a really important question that comes from this case is--What kind of other trouble you think meter readers might be gettin' up to? We gotta keep a better eye on them.

Juror #8: After what that girl's father did to her, how she escaped her TRAUMATIC THOUGHTS by creating all those fantasy friends, I been thinkin' this is really what they call a case of MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER. I don't care what the doctors said, that girl just couldn't of made up so many fake people. She's a SCHITSAPHRENIC.

Juror #6: Well, I'd shore be willin' to help her with some massage therapy is all I got to say.

Juror #12: Shut your pie hole, Don! I jis told ya this is not the place! You wanna talk like that, you wait till Casey shows up down at Randy's, then you go offer her your massage therapy an' see what she says!

Juror #1: I'd shore buy her a drink. I'm waitin' for it! I think bein' a juror an' all, she owes me one.

Juror #6: Now there you're thinkin'!

You've been in Taiwan too long if . . .

1. You stop conjugating verbs.

2. You look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.

3. You turn left from the right lane.

4. 70 F feels cold.

5. You see three people on a motorcycle and figure there's room for two more.

6. "Squid" sounds better than "steak."

7. There are more things strapped to your motorcycle than you ever put in a car.

8. You drive on the shoulder to pass traffic.

9. The main reason you stop at a 7-11 is to buy tea eggs.

10. Firecrackers don't wake you up.

11. You can distinguish Taiwanese from Hakka.

12. You consider fish chins, drunken chicken and black fungus to be normal menu items.

13. Taxi drivers are considered "good drivers."

14. You've seen versions of this list before.

15. You stop and look both ways before driving through a red light.

16. "A", "an" and "the" are optional parts of speech.

17. You wear out your horn before your brakes.

18. The police call you to get information about other foreigners.

19. You know which place has the best noodles and duck meat at 3:00 a.m.

20. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends too.

21. You own a karaoke machine.

22. You leave the plastic on all new purchases.

23. Forks feel strange.

24. The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley.

25. People don't see you for months, and when they do, they don't ask you where you've been.

26. You hear Chinese remakes of Western songs before you hear the originals.

27. You stare at other foreigners.

28. Over half of your clothes were bought at night markets.

29. You become an expert on bug zappers: the best brands and where to get them.

30. You have an arsenal of subtle verbal dodges to deflect taxi drivers from prying into your personal life.

31. You know which turn signal should be on when reversing the wrong way down a one-way street.

32. You get homesick for Chinese food while away from Taiwan.

33. Praying at a temple for a winning lottery number becomes a regular thing to do.

34. Other foreigners give you a funny look when you tell them how long you've been here.

35. You can't think of any good reason to leave.

36. The Statute of Limitations has expired and you still don't go home.

37. You understand that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for "Go away and leave me alone."

38. You've spent more time on the island since 1990 than most of the Taiwanese you know.

39. Locals are surprised to find out you can't vote in the upcoming election.

40. You never bother to ask locals questions like: "Is that north of the park?" or "Is that on the east or west side of the campus?"

41. Pizza just doesn't taste right unless there's corn on it.

42. Your preferred parking spot is on a sidewalk (and you get upset when someone else parks there).

43. Most meaningful conversations take place in doorways or on slow-moving motorcycles.

44. Your job title has more than three words.

45. You think the service in restaurants isn't that bad.

46. You're always the first on the elevator to hit the "door close" button.

47. You start cutting off the gravel trucks.

48. You eat squid on a stick.

49. You no longer send home bizarre and humorous articles from the paper.

50. You think of walking down the sidewalk as a sport.

51. You spend more time driving on the lines instead of in between them.

52. You read books from back to front.

53. You start to like Kaoliang more than XO.

54. You think packs of dogs are cute.

55. You are back in your home country and you say "hsie hsie" instead of thank you.

56. You think that all babies have flat heads in the back.

57. You think that $3,000,000 NT for a golf club membership is a steal.

58. You drive like this all the time.

59. You think that Taiwan is really trying to protect endangered species.

60. Your pinkie nail is over one inch long.

61. You catch yourself telling a taxi driver to hurry up.

62. You hum along to the tunes in the taxi.

63. You think walking up Yangmingshan looks like fun.

64. You think it's normal for people over 30 to zigzag down the sidewalk.

65. You can tell the difference between spring rain, plum rain, and the rainy season.

66. The last time you visited your mother you presented her with your business card.

67. You can tell, just by looking, which moon cake has the egg in it.

68. You feel nervous and giddy when you get around fresh air.

70. Everything you own is pirated.

71. You get used to the habit of not paying any tips while traveling.

72. You can read and write romanized Chinese in three different systems.

73. The red light is merely suggestive to you.

74. You greet people by inspecting whatever they're carrying or telling them how fat they've gotten.

75. You can no longer tell the difference between a cracker and a cookie, or toast and bread.

76. You stop telling people about the giant cockroach you saw.

77. Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.

78. You can tell the difference between different foreign accents in Chinese.

79. Your parties have an agenda, but your meetings don't.

80. Getting in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to.

81. You stumble going up a flight of steps that are all the same height.

82. Rats are considered "wildlife."

83. You salt your fruit.

84. You don't much mind drinking beer with ice cubes in it.

85. You don't expect to get workable directions, whether in English or Chinese.

86. You wear your coat backwards when riding a scooter.

87. You make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.

88. You're very concerned about not losing face.

89. The words "Ice Cream" never enter your head when you hear the garbage truck.

90. You don't feel comfortable using a urinal unless there's a woman mopping the floor behind you.

91. You say "Wei?" instead of "Hello?" when you pick up the phone.

Any you'd like to add to this list, feel free to do so in the comments. --E.M.

Pearl Milk Balls

The people are all in an uproar
The talk shows are flooded with calls
From parents irate
Who cry it's too late:
"Our sons have pearl milk balls!"

The government's caught with its pants down
Unsure just where the blame falls
Or who holds the buck
For having raised up
The boys with the pearl milk balls

The "hormone" was doled out slowly
From thousands of street-side stalls
That sweet chewy drink
Was not what they think
It's given them pearl milk balls

The future it looks a bit bleaker
All swish and raucous cat calls
But who will confess
To this free-market mess
If they're packing just pearl milk balls?

--.

Anyone new to Taiwan will immediately notice how the locals go for all things soft and chewy: chewy candy, chewy desserts, even drinks with chewy "pearls" floating in them. "Pearl milk tea" is probably the most famous of these local delicacies.

Unfortunately, researchers have recently discovered that many local companies produce these candies, desserts and jellies with the help of an emulsifier that is, well, basically plastic. This plastic emulsifier is cheaper and, not surprisingly, has a longer shelf life than natural alternatives. So Taiwan's population has unknowingly been consuming plastic as an ingredient in many of its food products: in the desserts mentioned, plus some fruit juices, plus children's chewable vitamins, syrups, and many other products too. It amounts to a huge health oversight on the part of society at large.

But how could this happen? Why wasn't this known until now? Because the government, firmly capitalist in outlook, never wanted to interfere in the free market, so there is scarce any regulatory arm. And what is the fallout of this huge ingestion of plastic? Research suggests the the plastic in question is linked to a variety of health problems, stunted male development being one, since it functions in the developing male body almost like a surrogate female hormone:

DEHP is suspected to be an endocrine disruptor, which could lead to the shrinking in size of the penis and testicles in men and thyroid dysfunction.

This is all still preliminary, but, wow, don't you just love free-market capitalism? Twenty-three million Taiwanese have been eating this stuff regularly since the 1980s, and, if my guess is right, its use in products has steadily grown over that time, most of it being in food and drinks marketed to kids. --E.M.

--.

Reports from the Taipei Times:

Kids more Vulnerable to DEHP intake

Food Scare Leads to Massive Recalls

Taiwan's Micro-Apocalypse

The way I see it, last night "Master Wang" was just about to lose his whole following, but today he has an out. The Master's escape route is just big enough that he can squeeze through it with a sector of his sect intact. You have to think in terms of the psychology of apocalyptic movements. This morning when I noted over coffee that there had been a serious earthquake in Spain, I immediately imagined the defensive reflex of the Wang followers.

"Okay," they'll say. "Taiwan didn't break in two. But look--there was a major earthquake. Master Wang's geography was just off."

This is the way devotees of a paranoid system reinforce their core beliefs.

And then today--oh, joy!--there was the supreme oddity of a tornado tearing through south Taipei.

"Just like the tornado cut the sky in two, so Master Wang saw the island cut in two in his vision. The tornado is a warning of what will come."

I haven't watched TV news today, so I don't know if anyone is making such poetic claims. But again, the way I see it, Master Wang's stature can only be bolstered by the parallel happenings: one major earthquake, one weather anomaly. The Master just needs to adjust his prediction.

Oh, and of course there's more evidence the energy around the island was skewed yesterday. In Taipei there were two instances of women who jumped in front of MRT trains.

Kool-Aid anyone?

The End of the End of Taiwan

I'm guessing some people are actually disappointed. Today is coming to an end and there was no devastating earthquake. As many of you know, local prophet "Teacher Wang" predicted that today, May 11th, would see Taiwan literally torn in two by a cataclysmic quake, its cities inundated by tsunami waves. A whole sect of Wang's faithful has escaped into the mountains, well out of tsunami range, having set up dwellings there in the form of blue shipping containers. But midnight is almost here, and there's been no quake. I'm afraid these people will greet the first minutes of May 12th with a sigh and a recognition of their foolishness. Either that or they'll insist Wang Lao-shi was just off on the date: that the quake will come soon enough. "By the end of the year, for sure."

Or--I suppose it's possible--right after I hit the Post button on this entry my apartment will begin to quake with more than the usual quake, and then it will start to quake even more seriously, and then. . . well, then you won't be hearing much from me any more.

I'm on 5th floor here. Is that out of tsunami range? I suppose that depends on the tsunami.

Somebody's gotta do it

Dear Friends and Students:

I think it is about time I revealed to you something many of you have long suspected anyway. These suspicions I can understand. You see how my legs flex as I mount the stairs, you watch my shoulders and pectorals as I jot things on the whiteboard, and you wonder: "Is this guy really just a teacher?" Today I intend to answer this question once for all.

In fact the suspicions are correct. Besides being a language teacher and (sometimes humorous) literary satirist, I am also a Navy SEAL. I admit it. So there.

But why now? Why reveal this double life after having covered it up for so long? It's a matter of the truth really. Making a truthful record for history, I mean. Because some of the things being said in the media about the recent action in Pakistan just aren't true. The following entries from my journal should clear up some of these questions. Also explain why I wasn't in class Monday.

E.M.


Sunday, May 1, 14:00 Taipei

I'm having a late Sunday brunch with the wife and Barack calls.

"Eric, we've got something we need you in on. We're picking you up in 10."

"Whoah, wait a minute! I just sat down to lunch. What is it?"

"I'm putting together the best team possible. You've got to be in, Eric."

"But--"

"GPS says you're at the Taipei Hyatt. Be outside in ten minutes. Front entrance."

"Barry, c'mon, we've been through this. I'm not going to Benghazi. I don't even think we should be putting people on the ground there."

"This isn't Libya. Ten minutes. Front entrance. You'll be briefed on the way."

My wife could see by my face.

"Barry?" she said.

"Sorry. Something's up."


Sunday, May 1, 16:30 En route

On a transport with Luke and Rashid, from CIA. Luke is shitting bricks. He's going over the layout of this compound in north Pakistan they assume bin Laden is in. I'm highly doubtful, but yes, the compound looks interesting. Should be fun, whoever's in it. We'll probably be shooting up some Pakistani gangster lair.


Sunday, May 1, 18:40 Karshi-Khanabad Air Base, Uzbekistan

What a laugh! They flew my SEAL combat uniform out special (they had to take out of the glass case at West Point where it was on display with some of the other items I used during the Achille Lauro hostage rescue). But the uniform doesn't quite fit. Hard to get zipped.

Don: "You're getting slack over there. Too many of those Chinese dumplings."

I: "Yeah, we'll see who's slack if it's really the Sheik in that compound."


Monday, May 2, 10:00 En route

There are eight of us. Three of the guys I've never met. They're also the only three against my idea of getting curry at Abdullah's in Islamabad before we hit the compound. But we take a vote, so curry it is.

"I interrupted my lunch at the Hyatt for this," I point out.


Monday, May 2, 12:50 Islamabad

What I like about Abdullah is he's always discrete. After we'd landed the choppers on the building across the street, he welcomed us into his restaurant and led us to a private room on the second floor.

"I see you're on business today," he says. "No one notice you this way."

The curry is as usual. Best on the planet. Even the new guys agree.


Monday, May 2, 14:30 Leaving Abbottabad

One of the choppers had trouble going in. We had to scuttle it. Turns out it really was bin Laden's compound. I was surprised he didn't have more firepower. A cakewalk really. We worked our way through the rooms and finally up to the third floor. The Sheik was in there with a woman, only the two of them. I told him to let her leave first, we wouldn't hurt her. No response. I repeated it in Arabic. Then the woman yells out, "I will die with Osama! We are martyrs, you crusader swine!"

"Have it your way," I barked in Arabic in reply. (My Arabic's kind of rusty. Listening to the tape later and checking it, I see what I really said was probably more like, "Have it a haddock." Oh, well.)

It's true they were both unarmed. But I didn't know that as I swung round the corner and took aim. The woman threw a TV remote control at me and mid-flight I thought it might be a grenade. So they both got it.

When we stormed the compound, Bin Laden and the woman were watching reruns of old Glenn Beck shows with Arabic subtitles. There were a few other DVDs there: Finding Nemo, It's a Wonderful Life, and Batman Begins.

People are talking about the Pakistan government being embarrassed that bin Laden was living comfortably not far from their top military academy. What I want to know is--what about Pakistan Blockbuster? Bin Laden's Blockbuster ID was right there on the coffee table. The Batman movie was two days overdue.


Tuesday, May 3, 14:00 Taipei

I twisted my neck raiding that compound. The wife: "Don't even tell me."

"Abdullah's doing well," I said.

I was younger in this photo. That's me on the right.

THE JUNK MAIL QUATRAINS

1.

I tried dozens of depression medications before I found
Tattoed Girl Pleases Dick with Pierced Tongue
It was My Dearest Islamic Family Friend Mr Danbaba Rawaa
Sent it to me in an Urgent Message

"You are probably surprised to be
Receiving this letter," Rawaa wrote,
Also offering a LOAN, Drippin Wet Bikini Teens
And a Penis Enlargement Method with Proven Results

Busy though I was, I of course responded Promptly
To this particular Assalam Alaikum
My PayPal would otherwise be Canceled
If I didn't submit Personal Information Now


2.

At first all they said was WORK WITH ME
To make this gay creampie gagging day possible
I was an Important Friend, more so than I'd thought:
The UN was trying to Release My Payment

FW: panty throat sucked breasts city
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Even if he popped a handful of V1AGRA at 50% off
Salvador Dali probably couldn't paint such a scene

Besides, why did I need to make $9000-A-Month-From-HOME
When here the Arab Organization of Soda Manufacturers
Was waiting for me to Submit my Paper for the August Convention?
Then, suddenly, stone clothes pulled my invito


3. Stone clothes! Stone clothes!

Fuck mouthful plays floor possible
Is how Fannie Lou Hamer (finally) Changed My Life
It was yet another Urgent Notification
Requiring I enter a PERSONAL ID

No problem: In this Fresh Young Account Alert
They wanted me to join Project Qatar
Gave me Katy Perry nude photos
To prove they were my Only Dear One in God

But should I go for the FuckBook invite code
Or the Last Chance Job Opportunity?
I know what you're thinking, Miss Fatima Doka:
Nasty Gangbanged Students Burn Belly Fat Faster

What I'll do, then, here with my normal-sized dick
Is I'll just sit back with my tanned teen and win
THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERY on you folks
That'll show you herders who bags the best prizes!

[These lines were woven from one week of Email Spam. My junk box gets around 30 junk letters a day.]

And more cowbell