Ukraine: Reputations are at Stake Here

A Disassociated Press Editorial, Taipei

Eric Mader

So Obama is telling Putin that his troop deployment in Ukraine risks seriously damaging Russia's "standing in the international community". Uh-huh. The administration is also threatening consequences, and Secretary of State Kerry has been talking tough about isolating Russia. Some are characterizing the Russian move as an outrageous military aggression, and I've even seen, yawn, Putin compared to Hitler.

The US president is obliged to grumble, to be sure, but frankly it looks like he's overplaying his hand.

Ukraine is a multi-ethnic state with a large Russian population. Much of the rest of the Ukrainian population besides considers Russia a traditional ally. The country, in terms of cultural loyalties, looks both to Russia and Western Europe, which has made it a flashpoint in East-West power politics.

Two more things to keep in mind: Ukraine's largest border is, yes, with the Russia Federation. Russia has had an important naval base in the city of Sevastapol for over two centuries. Sevastapol also happens to be in the Crimea, which is where most of the Russian population is located and where Putin has (so far) sent troops.

Pro-Russian demonstrators in Simferopol, Crimea, Ukraine
Obama points out that Putin's troop deployment represents a "clear violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and territorial integrity". Which it certainly does. But why not get a little perspective here? Is Putin doing anything unexpected? What if we were to move this conflict to our own hemisphere?

Posit a fictive nation in South America (we'll call it "Jolivia") with a large American expat population mostly settled in one region. And those Americans have been there for quite some time, to the degree that the culture of the region is basically American.

Suppose further that Jolivia had elected a pro-US president (a corrupt bastard, as it turned out) but 1) an ELECTED president, and 2) a pro-US president.

Next suppose that a popular revolution by the Spanish-speaking majority was getting close to overthrowing that president, our Jolivian buddy.

How would Obama respond, or indeed any US leader?

Who are we kidding? It would go something like this: "Democracy is in peril in Jolivia. To prevent further violence and to keep this crisis from escalating further, I have authorized troop deployment. General Feldspar will be briefing you on the details."

The difference between US action in the case of "Joliva" and Russian action now?

1) If Putin were an American president, he wouldn't have waited this long to send in troops.

2) He wouldn't have sent troops only the region with a majority Russian population. Russian troops would be in the capital Kiev by now--indeed, they'd have been there two weeks ago.

Who can't see that this is so?

And how would the US population likely view this crisis, if it were a matter of something happening "in our back yard" (i.e., Latin America) rather than on the other side of the planet?

As for American perceptions, of course most people would be worried about the Americans in Joliva falling victim to ethnic violence. Those perceptions would be shaped in real time by our wonderfully objective media.

CNN and Fox both would be covering the crisis as follows.

"To what degree are those seeking to overthrow the president linked with these fascist organizations, Bob?"

And: "We know there's a large Muslim population in Jolivia, and some analysts have shown that radicalized elements in the Muslim population are actively involved in the uprising. Where is this likely to lead?" (In fact there is a Muslim population in Ukraine, and many Muslims are none too friendly to Russia.)

And: "So the Jeffersons' shop windows were broken by the Jolivian protesters? Is that what you're saying, Dara? And the neighboring shops weren't touched?"

And: "Did some of those arms come from Cuba, according to what we've been hearing?"

And: "Some people are saying that if this crisis isn't contained it's likely to spread to neighboring Bradzil. Now we go to our correspondent Brent Botoxathon in the Bradzilian capital." Brent: "Well the streets are mostly quiet here in Anistonia, Lisa, but there were reports of skirmishes on the outskirts of the city--" blah blah blah. . . .

And after each news segment (before the car or insurance ad came on) a flashy logo appears on the screen with a militaristic soundtrack in the background, the logo reading:

JOLIVIA
---Democracy in Peril---

Please understand. I'm not on Russia's side here. I just don't like to see adults taken in by the hypocrisy of superpower politics. What Americans don't seem to realize is this: Our president lecturing foreign leaders on respecting other nations' "territorial sovereignty" sounds utterly ridiculous these days. Such niceties may sound fine in our domestic media, but to people in other countries (and I live overseas) they provoke mostly hissing and jeers.

And sorry to say: On this score we deserve hissing and jeers. For decades our leaders have shown zero respect for national sovereignty whenever the flimsiest excuse can be made that American interests, or "freedom", or whatever, is threatened. Putin is much more justified in invading Crimea than we've been in four of five of our last deployments.

But patriotic Americans, likely offended by what I've written here, may still wonder what we must do. To appear tough. To show the world we mean business. To show that Russkie he can't do just any old thing he likes.

I have a suggestion for these folks. Why not send over Sarah and Todd Palin? Sarah knows what to do when Putin rears his head. And send a Fox News correspondent to cover the mission.

No, wait. Fox, like Dairy Queen, doesn't actually have foreign correspondents. Kind of odd for a news channel, isn't it?

Send Bristol with a camcorder.

Pope Francis Reacts to Miley Cyrus Performance

A Disassociated Press Report

In a surprise to Vatican watchers, Pope Francis today alluded to an American pop star when he said that God loves all people, "even Miley Cyrus." The Pope, leader of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics, made his remark during Tuesday's homily.

A Vatican spokesman later in the day clarified the Pope's remark, insisting that it should not be interpreted to mean the Pope appreciated Miss Cyrus's VMA performance of August 25th, but that the Catholic Pontiff was simply stating a Catholic teaching.

"The Holy Father meant to stress that God's love was unconditional and available to all," Vatican spokesman Rev. Thomas Rosica said. "If Miley Cyrus can stop twerking long enough to get her wits about her, and if she can put her tongue back in her face where it belongs, then yes, God's love will be there for her too."

Three Saddams Down, Two to Go

A Disassociated Press Report, April 29, 2003

By Eric Mader-Lin

The third of a presumed five Saddams was captured today north of Baghdad, according to a Pentagon spokesman. Saddam number 3, also know as "high-five" Saddam, was apprehended from a small caravan of vehicles mostly filled with elderly people seeking refuge from the war-torn capital.

"He was disguised as an elderly lady," said the Pentagon source. "When the ruse was discovered he began to cry and claimed he never really wanted to be a Saddam, but had always wanted to be a clown. He claimed he'd been forced into serving the regime because of his resemblance to the Iraqi leader."

Saddam number 3 was called "high-five" Saddam because of his more outgoing physical demeanor. He was last seen on Iraqi television cheering on Baghdad residents on the eve of the coalition forces' entrance of the city.

If confirmed this capture would bring to three the number of Saddams either dead or captured. Among the two remaining Saddams are "chubby" Saddam (so-called for his slightly thicker cheeks) and "unconvincing" Saddam, a Saddam rarely used by the regime for anything but school openings and weddings of mayors' daughters.

Saddams number 1 and 2 ("conference-table" Saddam and "top" Saddam) were both killed when coalition forces bombed the downtown Baghdad restaurant known to be frequented by all the Saddams. The restaurant served both traditional Iraqi and European cuisine and was called Saddam's.

CIA sources now believe the original Saddam Hussein died in the early 1990s in a violent argument with his son Uday over the conduct of the first Gulf War. According to the story told by several captured senior Republican Guards, Uday shot his father in a fit of rage and then took the gun to his own head.

Three of the four remaining Uday Husseins emerged from an underground Baghdad bunker on April 16th and surrendered to coalition forces. The whereabouts of the fourth Uday, also called "Polo" Uday, are still unknown.

Praising leaders of the coalition forces on Monday for the swift progress of the war, one of the George Bushes (the one with the thinner eyebrows and slightly more pronounced Texas drawl) said: "I have just one thing to say to the remaining Saddams. We won't stop until we find you. We're gonna hunt you down. We're gonna bring you to justice."

Al Qaeda Leader Considers Acting Career

A Disassociated Press Report, October 7, 2003

by Eric Mader

The world's most wanted terrorist might now be considering a career in Hollywood. At least that is what Osama bin Laden's righthand man and Al Qaeda top deputy Aymon al Zawahiri indicates in a tape recently made public by the Arabic-language Al Jazeera news network.

The tape, which Al Jazeera obtained from an undisclosed source, was first made public on October 5th. Although CIA voice analysts have not yet confirmed that the voice on the tape is in fact al Zawahiri's, people familiar with the senior Al Qaeda deputy have indicated that it sounds like him.

"This is the Aymon we all know and love," said one unidentified source.

It is near the end of the 25-minute tape that mention is first made of bin Laden's contemplated career move. According to statements on the tape, bin Laden has already entered into negotiations with two separate American film industry big-wigs in hopes of beginning a career in acting as soon as possible.

"Allah willing, our brave leader will begin by playing bad guys in action and adventure movies, but would like eventually to move toward romance comedy," said the raspy voice on the tape.

There is even an indication that bin Laden is already thinking of co-stars. "The sheik [as bin Laden is called by Al Qaeda insiders] would like to star with that Jennifer Lopez, for he says that her movements are to him like a young gazelle leaping over the plains."

The voice goes on to sketch out the plot of one romance comedy Al Qaeda is working on for bin Laden and his co-star Lopez. In this movie, Lopez would star as a young Texas housewife beaten by her alcoholic Christian husband. Finding solace in a Koran study group that meets weekly in a local community center, she slowly falls in love with the soft-spoken and mysterious teacher played by bin Laden. She converts to Islam and is liberated from her sordid Christian marriage.

At another point the voice addressed the issue of bin Laden's safety should he choose to relocate to America for an acting career. Security concerns were brushed aside as irrelevant.

"Rest assured we will not allow our leader to fall into the hands of the American military," the voice said. "If this supposed superpower, the United States of America, cannot catch us sitting out on a range of hills, sitting out here in the open, they will certainly not be able to catch us in a place like Los Angeles."

The voice also insisted bin Laden's coming move into acting should not be understood as an abandonment of his principles or of the Al Qaeda movement he founded.

"The sheik is ready to begin this new onslaught on the enemies of Islam. Long seen as the arch enemy of Americans, he will conquer their hearts at the box office through his moving performances. The Americans cannot possibly prepare for what is about to hit them."

At one point in the tape a possible career in politics is envisaged. "Allah willing, the sheik will receive Oscars," the voice said. "And then the seat of California governor will become his, for he is a persuasive man. And beyond this what is not possible, given the consent of Allah?"

Jim Morrison Captured in Iraq

A Disassociated Press Report, Baghdad, December 15, 2003

By Eric Mader

Jim Morrison two years before his "death" in Paris.

In what is likely to go down as one of the most embarrassing mishaps of the U.S.-led occupation of Iraq, American forces last night captured the former Doors singer Jim Morrison in a farmhouse just south Tikrit.

Initially pinpointed by American intelligence as one of the hideouts of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, the farmhouse was stormed by a force of sixty armed U.S. soldiers, who pulled a confused Morrison from an eight-foot deep pit where, it was later learned, the former rock singer would normally go "to meditate."

Believing they had captured Saddam Hussein, U.S. forces conducted a medical examination and later called a press conference during which they showed videos to prove they had captured the former Iraqi leader.

Standing up and waving their arms furiously during the initial airing of the videos, a number of Iraqi journalists present at the press conference began yelling: "That's not Saddam, you idiots! That's Jim Morrison!"

Simultaneous voice translations given by CNN, however, first reported the angry journalists' words as: "Saddam! Saddam! You deserve to die! Saddam!"

More than nine hours had passed after the initial capture before the case of mistaken identity was realized.

L. Paul Bremer, the U.S. administrator in Iraq, tried to make light of the mishap by recalling his initial words of elation: "Well, ladies and gentleman, we still got 'im! It's just a different him."

Jim Morrison, who was previously believed to have died in his bathtub in Paris in 1971, told reporters early today that he had faked his death in order to escape from his life of drug abuse and rock stardom. Morrison has apparently been living in Iraq since the early seventies, when he converted to Islam.

The two men captured with Morrison were indeed "loyalists," although not of the sort sought by American forces. Part of an underground Sufi poetry group that Morrison founded, the men claimed to journalists to have remained almost constantly in "the Master's" presence since the late 1980s.

"We are not merely seeking to cleanse the doors of perception," Morrison told reporters in explanation of the goals of his group. "We are out to unhinge them, you know? We seek total illumination."

Jim Morrison examined by a U.S. army doctor after his capture in Iraq.

Poll: Favorable opinions of Cheney rise

As Dick Cheney prepares to give a major speech on the battle against terrorism, a new national poll suggests that favorable opinions of the former vice president are on the rise.

But the Disassociated Press Corporation survey, released Thursday morning, indicates that a majority of Americans still have an unfavorable opinion of Cheney.

Seventy-nine percent of people questioned in the poll say they believe the former vice president should be bull-whipped then imprisoned for life. Fourteen percent say Cheney should not be bull-whipped before imprisonment, up 8 percentage points from January when he left office.

In the past two months, the former vice president has become a frequent critic of the new administration in numerous national media interviews.

"Is Cheney's uptick due to his visibility as one of the most outspoken critics of the Obama administration? Almost certainly not," says Brad Holland, DP polling director.

"After the threat posed by the Bush administration receded with their leaving office, people tend to become more forgiving," he explains. "They no longer feel the danger these people posed, so they are more lenient."

Holland cited one polling result which showed a significant percentage of Americans believe Cheney and other former Bush administration officials should just be highly medicated and institutionalized, not actually imprisoned for their crimes.

The new survey's release comes just a few hours before Cheney is scheduled to give a speech Thursday on the war against terror in the cafeteria at Washington, D.C.'s Belleview Psychiatric Ward.

"There are always a few hecklers in the ward, Larry and Ken mostly, who like to point out that Dick had been in office eight months when the 9/11 attacks happened on his watch,” said Belleview nurse Daniel Cather.

"But usually when Dick gets up to speak most of the residents just listen. Because he tends to get violent when people disagree with him."

The Disassociated Press--Better News than You Deserve