Odysseus vs. Irus

ZEI students rewrite the Odyssey, cont'd. When the beggar Irus got word that there was a newcomer begging in the palace, he was furious. He came to kick out the intruder. But the intruder refused to leave! Soon it was clear there was going to be a battle of beggars. The suitors were delighted with this entertainment. When Odysseus removed his clothes, however, Irus saw his rival's muscular body. He shook with fear. But it was too late to back down.

May's Version

. . . . The suitors around them were also astonished.

"How can an old beggar have such a muscular body?" they wondered.

Those who at first wanted to see a bloody movie, Beggars' Fight, started to tremble and thought about fleeing. Of course the unluckiest of all was Irus: he wanted to run, but his feet were rooted to the spot. All he could do was cry for mercy.

"Have mercy!" he begged. "You must be an 'Odysseus' of beggars."

"You will regret your bad attitude," Odysseus replied. "You insulted me, and today you will learn your lesson--that one must show hospitality to strangers."

As soon as Odysseus finished speaking, his muscles began to get bigger; his pectorals were swelling and his arms were growing. He began almost to look like a balloon in the shape of a man. But he still continued to grow, swelling larger and larger, because he had eaten too much spinach earlier in the morning in preparation for his fight with the suitors. Swelling and swelling, suddenly BOOOM! the balloon exploded. The great hero Odysseus was dead! He had died in his beggar's disguise.

No one in the palace understood what had happened. They were all too amazed at the mystery.

Jenny Lin's Version

Indeed the fight was a cruel nightmare for Irus. At first Odysseus hit him in the face, and he nearly fell to the ground, jabbing Antinous in the arm by accident as he swung backward. When he again stood still, Odysseus prodded him in the chest and kicked him in the stomach.

"Hurray!" Amphinomus yelled and whistled for Odysseus.

"You mad fool!" Melanthius said, and kicked him. "What is Irus doing? C'mon, Irus, kick your rival!"

Irus wanted to surrender and beg for clemency. The fury surged in his heart as he was beaten by Odysseus, who finally gave him a full punch to the chest as he stood hesitating.

Irus was on the ground, Odysseus standing on him as victor.

Ariel's Version

Odysseus saw the beggar's face: it was white as chalk, and the beggar was trembling. But the suitors didn't care, they were still yelling for the fight.

Odysseus spoke to Irus: "Dear brother, let's not fight," he said. "Let's be friends. We can help each other and share what's here."

"What are you talking about, man?" Irus said. "Kill me! Kill me! You don't have to let me go."

Odysseus shook his head. "No, brother," he said, "really I want to be your friend, because I'm lonely, and you're lonely. Please, let's be friends."

Then Irus smiled. "Okay, old man," he said.

But the suitors were angry; they wanted to see the fight. They started to throw things at the two beggars. Just then Penelope appeared and told them to stop and ordered the maids to lead the beggars inside and take care of them.

Jenny's Version

"Let's fight!" Odysseus revealed his sharp teeth.

The two beggars began a fierce fight. Irus gave him a boxing, but Odysseus quickly dodged and gave Irus a sharp kick as fast as lightning. Irus fell like a hurt cat, weak and with no ability.

"You'll regret your foolish treatment of me," Odysseus said. "You'll pay for your cruelty!"

"Old beggar, old beggar!" Irus begged, grabbing Odysseus' knees. "No, no! Noble elder, please don't kill me. I have to take care of my parents and young children. Forgive my foolishness!"

"Don't worry," Odysseus said. "I will take care of them. Now you will get what you deserve."

Suddenly time stopped. Poseidon appeared with a can of spinach and said to Irus: "Irus, try this. It'll make you stronger."

Irus ate it. Almost instantly he towered up into the sky, his right foot becoming as big as the palace itself. He began to stomp on the suitors and all the people of Ithaca.

ZEI: Odysseus Reveals his Identity

King Alcinous, having seen his mysterious guest troubled by Demodocus’ song of the Trojan War, asked him to explain. Wouldn’t he now tell his story? Odysseus saw it was finally time to reveal his true identity. But would the Phaeacians believe him? ZEI students guess how the hero might reveal himself:

YVONNE'S VERSION: “Dear, good Alcinous, just as you say, I have a painful memory from the Trojan War. Twenty years before, when the war started, I was a man who didn’t want to go, but I had to because of the oath. After ten years of fighting, we Greeks won the war, but we were too bloodthirsty: we slaughtered the Trojans without mercy. Our behavior made the gods and goddesses angry, and they made many of us die at sea on our way home. Just as Demodocus sang, some important chiefs are alive and back home. Only one, no one knows where he has gone. Is he alive or dead? And this one, this Odysseus, it is me. After the war, these ten years I have lived on the sea. Once I almost made it back home, but Poseidon sank my boat and drove me away again. Now you all know who I am. My story is over. I hope you can finally help me get back home again.”

JERRY'S VERSION: “Dear, good Alcinous, my name is Odysseus. When I was just a kid, I was out looting and got a boat. The boat was very big and I took it to sea. I moored it on an island no one knew. My friend Agamemnon and I went about exultantly on this boat. We wanted to get here, to Phaeacia, but that night the wind blew a different direction. Finally we disembarked at Troy. There we saw all the people playing a game called “The Trojan War.” Agamemnon and I joined the Greek team. So I killed the enemy quickly. Then I wanted to get to Phaeacia again. My boat sank, but, look, at last I’m here!”

MAY'S VERSION: “I don’t want to cheat you, such a great king. You have treated me so graciously that I don’t want to hide my secret from you any more. Therefore, I will answer all questions you asked. In fact, you just heard my name three minutes ago. Additionally, you all just listened to my story. The truth is. . . I am Odysseus, the real, genuine one, and actually exist. Please don’t be afraid, or look at me with hostile eyes. I lost most of my comrades in the Trojan War, and the others that survived with me from that terrible memory had different consequences each. As your eyes can see, during these twenty years I have led a miserable life, a life filled with sadness and shock. But now, meeting you, I feel that has changed. The Phaeacians kindness has also given me energy, helping me recover from my sadness. What’s more, when I see your friendly people, it reminds me of my home country, Ithaca. I hope to start my journey back soon.”


WILLIAM'S VERSION:

“Dear, good Alcinous, my name is Odysseus, and I come from Ithaca. And the truth is I love Troy. Please don’t kill me.”

This made Alcinous mad. “I’ve given you so much,” he said, “and you still think I want to kill you?”

“Dear Alcinous,” Odysseus said, “you are very gracious. But that I loved Troy is not all. The roads in your country here are very rugged. And sometimes I saw people looting--right here in your country. It means your country is bad. Even Troy, during the war, was better.”

Hearing this, Alcinous drew his sword. “Ithacan liar!” he said. “Shut up!”

He ran toward Odysseus, ready to kill him. But Demodocus stopped him.

“Please, my King, don’t!” he said.

“Alright, alright!” Alcinous said. “Put him in the jail!”

Odysseus was in the Phaeacian jail for four days. Then he escaped from the jail, and entered the palace at night, killing the guards. He took all Alcinous’ money and, stealing a ship, sailed to Libya.


EDEN'S VERSION:

“Dear, good Alcinous . . . Sorry, may I go to the bathroom first?”

“Yes, of course,” Alcinous said.

Then Odysseus ran to the bathroom, locked himself in, and thought about how to escape. But when he tried to open the door again, he couldn’t get it open: it was made of metal and he couldn’t break it. So he finally thought he had no choice. He jumped into the toilet and flushed it. After five minutes of swirling in the cold water, he came out in ZEI . . .

“Noooooo!” Jerry screamed, waking up, the cold air conditioning blowing on his back. “I had a bad dream again.”


SABRINA'S VERSION: “I’m Odysseus, the most genius, handsome, strong, smart, cunning, humble, wise, good-looking, talented, charming, having the greatest physique, the strongest muscles, excellent humor, the highest IQ and EQ, lowest dq., 8G of memory, faster than a speeding waistband, able to leap Taipei 101 without getting a wedgie, the most powerful hero of all the Greeks.”

ZEI: Odysseus and Euryalus

More student riffs on the Odyssey. . . .

Thinking only of his long-lost Ithaca and with no heart to join their games, Odysseus declines the offer to challenge one of the Phaeacian champions. Euryalus, the champion discus thrower, insults him, saying he doesn’t want to take up the challenge for fear of making a fool of himself. White with anger, Odysseus stands to answer the insult. What happens next?


JENNY LIN’S VERSION:

Without bothering to remove his cloak, Odysseus took up a discus from the field.

“We will compete in the discus then," he said, "your specialty.”

“You could never beat me in any kind of competition,” Euryalus sneered. “But if you want discus, that's fine. You throw first!”

Odysseus stood at the line and turned his body round and round several times. Finally he threw the discus with his full might. Further and further it flew, finally landing on the ground. The crowd cheered.

Odysseus had broken all the records of the previous athletes, including Euryalus.

Then it was Euryalus’ turn to throw again. The arrogant champion spun round and round, and threw the discus. It seemed to shoot out from his body, moving very fast. But it dropped short of Odysseus’ throw.

Euryalus stared at the field open-mouthed. He’d never been beaten before. The crowd cheered for the stranger.


SCHANI LIN’S VERSION:

Odysseus gegen Euryalus! Unglaubliches Sieg fur Odysseus!

Without bothering to remove his cloak, Odysseus stood up and threw Euryalus. Euryalus landed far off the field in a flat of mud.

Then Odysseus shouted to him: “I’ll tell you who I am! I am Odysseus, the champion from Greece. I could easily sheet you out like an arrow, and of course I’ve got the body of an athlete and the heart too! But you’ve got a cheater’s brain. Now I’m very curious really about who taught you those stupid, ill-chosen kid words you used just now.”

But Euryalus didn’t feel shame for his words. He answered Odysseus meanly: “You mad dog! Did I cheat you? Absolutely not! I thought you were a stranger who wanted to reign over us, who came here to dethrone our king. I’ve chosen my words very carefully. My words are simply the truth!”

Odysseus stepped across to field and approached Euryalus.

“I will go home then,” he said, so that no one but Euryalus could hear. “I don’t want to stay on this small, stinky island of rude kids and play games all my life, do I? I’m a Greek hero!”

And Odysseus picked up the muddy Euryalus once more and threw him back onto the field.

The next day Euryalus convinced the king that Odysseus should be taken home to Greece. The king promised they’d send him home soon.

WILLIAM'S EVEN MORE GRUESOME VERSION:

. . . . without taking off his cloak, Odysseus killed Euryalus by the discus. The Phaeacians screamed and murmured. A blind bard with arthritis was distressed. And a man, eating a boar, started to applaud. The other Phaeacians killed him. They fought and quarreled. Then a rank of bear and oxen swayed toward the assembly place. They ate the corpse of Euryalus. The Phaeacians killed the animals. They grilled their meat. They had a barbecue party.

ZEI: Stranger in the Palace

These are some more ZEI student riffs on the Odyssey. . . .

After discovering a naked and battered Odysseus near the shore, the Phaeacian princess Nausicaa clothes him and brings him to the palace. She leads him through the great hall to the King and Queen, but as she does she must walk past a banqueting table of Phaeacian lords, who stare at the stranger entering with the princess. What do the banqueting lords say to each other as they spot the foreign guest?

JENNY'S DIALOGUE:

LORD A: I hope I will be the princess' husband, then all the money will--

LORD B: Hey, stop daydreaming! Our sensible princess would never do this. Unless she were blind that is.

LORD C: Right. My son has all the qualifications to be the princess' husband.

LA: Hey, look!

Odysseus and the princess walk into the hall.

LA: Who is that man?

LB: Maybe he's the princess' prince on a white horse.

LC: No way! My son is more handsome than he is.

LA: No! No! He won't get the chance to loot my princess and my money!

THE KING (approaching): You all shut up!


MICHELLE'S DIALOGUE:

LORD A: (Looks at Odysseus with surprise) . . .

LORD B: (Opens mouth) . . .

LORD C: Wow!

LB: (Hits table angrily) . . .

LC: Ouch! Why are you hitting me?

LA: Are you a man or a little boy? Coward!

LC: But he hit me!

LB: I was hitting the table, baby. But don't you want to marry Nausicaa? Who is this foreigner?

LA: Shut up already, you two!

LORD D: I really wish I were the king so I could kick you fools out of here!


JENNY HUANG'S DIALOGUE:

LORD A: Look! Nausicaa is coming in with another man!

LORD B: Who is he?

LORD C: Maybe he's a diplomat.

LB: He looks very serious, like a god. Perhaps Nausicaa wants to marry him.

LC: So my son's dream is gone! I have to prevent this foreigner somehow.

LA: Do you think we should kill him?

LB: Good idea.

LC: Does anyone know anything about this guy?

LA: Not me.

LB: Hey, listen. He's explaining to the king.

LC: I don't like it at all.

LB: We have to find out the truth about this guy.


EDEN’S DIALOGUE:

LORD A: Who’s the man with the princess?

LORD B: Oh! I know! It’s BATMAN! I’m his BIG fan!

LORD C: Don’t be stupid. Batman has a mask, this guy doesn’t.

A: I think he might be a prince from another island.

C: But why did they find him naked? That’s what I heard at least.

B: Mmm. Maybe he’s really Superman and forgot to buy new red underpants. Maybe his old red underpants--

C: When are you going to grow up? You act like a kid.

B: It’s OK, because as for you, you’re too OLD, that’s why Nausicaa doesn’t like you!

C: What? Say it one more time!

B: She doesn’t like you!

(C punches B)

B: MAMA! MAMA! Owww! It really hurts! How can you just hit me like that? Are you a mad man? They should take you to a doctor!

A: SILENCE! Stop fighting, you two babies! Are you forgetting that she is here?

B and C: . . . Ooops.


MONIQUE’S DIALOGUE:

LORD A: Hey, our beautiful princess is back.

LORD B: Yeah, and with a strange foreigner who’s flattering her.

LORD C: Hey, they’re walking toward the king.

B: What a proud guy. He enters the hall and doesn’t even say hello to us.

C: I think he’s good-looking. He must be good at talking too.

A: Shut up already. Don’t you know that the princess soon will be my wife?

C: Really? I didn’t know that. In fact I think Nausicaa likes me more.

B: No, no. You’re both wrong. She likes me more than anyone else. She always asks me if she’s pretty or not.

A: She asks everyone that. What do you say to her?

B: Do I look like a fool? Of course I say she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

C: She can tell you’re just flattering her.

B: Fortunately I’m not like you guys. You’re always buying her LV and Hermes bags, but she never looks at you. Not once.

KING (coming to the table): Buying who LV bags? What are you all talking about?

LORDS: Uhhh. . . nothing, your majesty.