I couldn’t get the guy in the cafe to give me his newspaper, so I had to copy the article out by hand. --E.M.
Translation:
Taiwan Howard Dogs’ Breeding Season Has Begun: Careful You Don’t Get Bitten
May 29, 2015
by Mei De-Lin
From April to August each year, the Taiwan Howard Dog, Taipei City’s civic animal, enters its breeding season. This year, however, the number of reports from citizens attacked by the dogs is higher than usual.
Linda Lee, a spokesperson for the conservation branch of the Taipei City Animal Protection Bureau, says that already 2015 has had many more citizens’ complaints than usual, most of them about incidents in areas around Taipei Da-An Forest Park and the 228 Memorial Park.
Since the Taiwan Howard Dog is an endangered species, Ms. Lee says, it is improper to approach or harass the dogs during their mating.
Ms. Lee explained that during mating season, in order to protect the female dogs, male Howard Dogs will sometimes approach passersby from behind and bite them, causing citizens to be injured or their clothes to be torn.
Further, given that during last year’s mating season the male Howard Dogs were observed to be particularly fierce toward the females, causing a large number of female Howard Dogs to book flights to Malaysia to escape Taiwan, this year’s number of available females is smaller, resulting in even more aggressive behavior from the males. (Airlines do not allow male Howard Dogs to book flights.)
The Animal Protection Bureau is thus planning to post warning signs in areas where incidents are more likely, and reminds citizens to be aware at all times of the Howard Dogs’ behavior, so as to avoid getting bitten during this difficult season.
***
The following week the newspaper’s English edition contained a few pages of citizen reaction. Here:
In response to last week’s article on the Howard Dogs above and their threatening behavior when breeding (5.29.2015), we received an almost record number of letters from concerned readers. We are publishing some here. --Ed.
[NB: Again, being that these students are nearly all teenage boys, some of the letters needed to be edited for inappropriate content. It’s too bad I had to edit Duku’s letter, because it was really very Duku, which usually means: hilarious. --E.M.]
Dear Editor: I believe it’s important to protect endangered animals, but this Howard Dog situation is really out of control. Like many people, I have had problems with Howard Dogs.
Recently a Howard Dog in my neighborhood has been breaking into my house while I’m at work. It’s eaten nearly all the food in my refrigerator and urinated on my TV, my computer and all around the house. Also, when outdoors, these dogs are often found in places with many cockroaches and maggots and are known to wallow in their own excrement. This makes me even angrier to know one of these dogs is dirtying my house.
Do citizens really have to put up with this kind of thing just to protect one species? I strongly believe Taiwan’s government should rid the country of these animals.
Sincerely,
Allen 1
Dear Editor:
Many of Taiwan’s species are endangered, and it’s important to protect them. But the Howard Dogs? They don’t seem endangered to me. I see them everywhere, and their behavior is becoming a serious problem.
Two nights ago, coming home from my job, I saw one of these f***ing Howard Dogs in my lane. It was obviously very angry and very yellow. It was sexing with my neighbor’s tree. I’ve also seen them sexing with parked bikes or school bags that students leave on the ground. When this one saw me, it stopped sexing the tree and started to drool in my direction. I was disgusted. I was afraid the dog might choose me over the tree, so I ran to the nearby police station, but when I arrived there I found the police officers busy cleaning themselves off from being licked and harassed by Howard Dogs during the day.
Finally when I got home, an hour later, the dog was gone, but when I turned on my TV, half the news reports were about yellow things Howard Dogs had done around Taipei.
I believe these dogs are a health hazard. The government needs to do something about them.
Sincerely,
Tony
Dear Editor:
Is protecting Howard Dogs more important than protecting people? That’s the question I’d like to ask our Animal Protection Bureau.
Last week I saw one of the “protected animals” in our park. There was a young woman walking through the park, wearing a short skirt, and the Howard Dog pounced on her and knocked her over. It then tried to lick between her legs in a way that made the woman scream. It was an obscene sight--right in our neighborhood park! A mother there with her child had to cover the child’s eyes.
I think city authorities should capture all the Howard Dogs and put them in a big detention center. Let them attack and lick each other, not innocent people walking on the streets!
Sincerely,
Victor
Dear Editor:
Though many species in Taiwan are endangered and need protection, I strongly believe it’s a mistake for our government to continue protecting the Taiwan Howard Dogs.
I have a pet dog myself, a female golden retriever, and unfortunately she was mounted by a Howard Dog three years ago while on a leash down by the entry to my building. She had a litter of retriever/Howard Dog puppies, and these puppies have grown into terrible creatures. For one thing, they bite everyone who comes near them, including myself. Also, they bark all night, so that the neighbors complain and want me to kill them. I would kill them too, but the police say they are “protected” because they are basically “Howard Dogs”. It’s ridiculous.
We need to round up all these Howard Dogs and keep them in a place where they will see no bitches. It’s the only solution.
Sincerely,
Hank
Dear Editor:
Taiwan has many endangered animals, it’s true, but I think it’s time that the government recognize the Howard Dog is different. If they are endangered, why are there so many of them? Their constant barking at night keeps the people of Taipei awake and makes many tired at work the next day. Also, as everyone knows, during breeding season the Howard Dogs breed everywhere in the city and cause disturbances. But the recent phenomenon, where the Howard Dogs are starting to evolve into Howards, is the worst. How many men will be killed and how many women raped by these half-dog, half-human monsters? I’ve heard reports about these murders and rapes already, but the government tries to cover it up. I have one of these Howards who sits near me in my English class, and it’s scary. The city authorities must protect us from this threat.
Sincerely,
Allen 2
Dear Editor:
Why are so many Taipei citizens on TV and in the news complaining about the Taiwan Howard Dogs? These animals are rightly protected by our government, and are an important part of the island’s ecology. I find them beautiful and brave animals. They should be the national symbol of Taiwan.
Meanwhile people are ignoring a serious threat. I mean, of course, the Eric Monkeys that we’re starting to see around the city.
First, it is very unusual to see a monkey taking a subway and even standing there reading a book like it was a person. Second, I’ve heard that these monkeys, when they get into people’s houses, will eat all the food in the refrigerator and destroy the furniture. I’ve heard more than twenty reports of this from people who are stupid enough to invite the monkey to parties. Finally, when Eric Monkeys appear in public, they often have female monkeys with them, and because they are monkeys and aren’t civilized, they start to have sex in public.
It’s wrong to let this situation continue.
Sincerely,
Howard
Dear Editor:
Of course we must protect endangered species around the world, and in Taiwan we have species we need to protect too. But the Howard Dog situation is out of control.
One day. Another f**king day. On my way to school I saw a Howard Dog licking [censored].
What a f**king morning. You know that. You see that scene. You just want to go to hell.
So we must kill them all.
Sincerely,
Duku
Dear Editor:
Like many Taipei citizens, I am outraged at the government’s continued insistence on the “protected” status of the Taiwan Howard Dogs.
A couple days ago on my way home from work, I saw one of these dogs on the sidewalk watching all the passers-by. It had that look in its eye that Howard Dogs always have when they are going to do something evil. I watched it, waiting to see what it would do. Sure enough, when a junior high school girl with a skirt walked by, the Howard Dog began to follow her. It was trying to look up her skirt and lick at her legs. The girl cried out and dropped her bag. The Howard Dog then looked in the bag and took out a packet of Airwaves. The dog didn’t even open the packet, but just started chewing the whole thing. A dense smell of mint spread over the street and people walking by all frowned in annoyance.
I’m not sure, but maybe it was the same Howard Dog that howled through most of the night near my building. In the morning I was ready to go out and kill some of these pests.
I’ve always been a good citizen, giving to charity and even donating money to protect Taiwan’s forests. But please, this is one species we don’t need. Kill ALL of them before this problem gets any worse.
Sincerely,
Anthony
Dear Editor:
Protecting our environment and the many species that live in Taiwan is important for our future. But sometimes we must recognize when a species becomes a public nuisance.
The Howard Dogs are a nuisance worse than rats.
Have you ever been to the public toilets at Da-An Park? Howard Dogs have been hanging around them for months now, throwing cherry bombs and fireworks into the toilet stalls when people are inside. Nobody dares use the toilets any more.
Also consider what the Howard Dogs eat. They’re often seen digging through garbage cans looking for moldy cheeseburgers, fried chicken trash and other garbage. The meat already has maggots on it, and the dogs make a terrible mess when eating it. Near my house this happens near the Ubike stands, so that when you take a bike you have to cover your nose. I’ve even seen maggots in bike baskets. I guess the Howard Dogs think it’s funny to throw their trash in Ubike baskets instead of back into the garbage cans.
And what is this attraction Howard Dogs have for expensive bags? Many women in Taipei have had this experience. If they carrying a Louis Vuitton or a Hermes bag, the Howard Dog will follow them and try to get the bag away. Recently the dogs have learned a new trick. After stealing the bag, the dog will scratch an “H” into the front of the bag and pee all over it. I suppose they think the bag is then theirs.
All male dogs sometimes hump things, it’s natural, but it seems these Howard Dogs never stop humping. I’ve seen them trying to hump helmets, plastic ducks, parked motorcycles, etc. What’s worse, they often smoke after they hump things. What kind of animals species is this that learned how to smoke? After smoking in Da-An Park, they will toss their cigarette butts into the pond, which ruins the ecosystem for the night herons and other animals.
We do not need signs around the city warning people to avoid Howard Dogs. What we need is swift action from the government to get rid of them.
Sincerely,
Claire Fan-Chiang
What is the future of the Howard Dogs? And what of that other problem of the Eric Monkeys? We will keep readers informed as this debate continues. --Ed.
***
55 other important public service announcements can be found in my new book Idiocy, Ltd. Don't hesitate. Protect you and your loved ones today!
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