The Romney-Ryan Bible Revisions, #6: The Rich Man and Lazarus

From Minutes: Scripture Meeting, 8/22/12

Rmny: This passage here, Luke 16:19-21, definitely sends the wrong message. The rich guy actually ends up begging from the poor guy!

Ryan: I know that passage.

Secty: We can change it. But how would you like to change it?

Rmny: Just do the usual. It's unrealistic the way it is.

Secty: OK, I should be able to get it on your desk by tomorrow.

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Luke 16:19-21 Revised and Corrected in Line with Romney-Ryan Policies

Jesus: There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who longed to satisfy his hunger with what fell from the rich man's table; even the dogs would come and lick his sores.

The rich man died and was carried away by the Angels to be with Abraham. The poor man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was being tormented, he looked up and saw Abraham far away with the rich man by his side.

He called out, 'Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send the rich man to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am in agony in these flames.'

But Abraham said: 'Remember during your lifetime how you lay by the gate with the dogs, while the rich man worked in finance and built himself a fortune. Have you never heard the saying Necessity is the mother of invention?'

Lazarus said, 'But Father Abraham, people would not hire me for my sores, and I suffered madness.'

Abraham said, 'Between you and us a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who might want to pass from here to you cannot do so, and no one can cross from there to us. There is nothing we can do for you now.'

Lazarus said, 'Then, father, I beg you, send the rich man to my friends to warn them. Perhaps they can find some means to gather a fortune and so avoid these flames.'

Abraham said, 'They have Ayn Rand; they should read The Fountainhead.'

Lazarus said, 'No, Father Abraham, but if someone goes to them from the dead, they would understand.'

Abraham said, 'If they are not convinced by Ayn Rand, neither will they be convinced even if a rich man rises from the dead.'

See also THE REPUBLICAN GOSPEL: SAYINGS