Wednesday, August 17, 2011


A giraffe is a slim character, chancery style, a lank loiterer always in the way.

Never trust a giraffe with your car keys.

A giraffe is a pillar of dust and dung, feigning gold; it is a broken bamboo rocker wrapped in faux fur; indeed a giraffe is a pair of crutches designed by Louis Vuitton. Overpriced, and far too long to fit under any armpits.

Giraffes are the supermodels of the Serengeti. Their diet of twigs and leaves gives them just enough energy to strut back and forth. If you expect more, bring cocaine.

Giraffes may look peaceful, graceful even, but the truth is they are bored stiff.

If a giraffe could speak, this is what it would say: "It's always the same game. The acacia tree grows taller to keep us from eating the leaves, then we grow a little taller to reach the leaves. Then the acacia tree grows a little taller again and so on. I see no end in sight. We're fed up with it. You got a light?"

Yes, giraffes would smoke if they could.

I'd love to watch a small herd of giraffes just smoking, ignoring the acacia trees as best they can, sunk in ersatz ennui.

Do not believe the Animal Planet cranks. The little knobs on their heads are NOT atavistic antennae from an age when giraffes rented themselves out as radio towers to enterprising Australopithecines.

Giraffes are the Floss-Picks of the Sun.

"I'm at Marcy's place and we're up in her bedroom on the second floor. And things are starting to heat up, you know? And I look and there's this giraffe head in the window watching. About two feet from the screen. Just standing there smoking and watching us. So I yell out, 'Hey, fuck off, you!'"
"Did it go away?"
"You bet it did. Caught the perv red-handed."
"Never mind."

The Chinese word for giraffe is "long-neck deer". The Chinese word for owl is "cat-headed eagle". The word for dolphin is "sea-swine". I'm not kidding you.

Giraffes have no end of trouble with escalators.

If they opened a Kentucky Fried Giraffe, four kids could gnaw on the same drumstick simultaneously.

If you interbred a giraffe and a banana, you'd get an oblong sofa pillow covered with soft fur of a dappled yellow and brown. It would probably be marketable.

This and 42 other important public service announcements can be found in my book Idiocy, Ltd.


Christine E. Hamm, Poet Professor Painter said...

This is a really beautiful and funny piece.

(the word verification was mangle -- what's up with that?)

Eric Mader said...

Many thanks, Christine. I see you are a poet in NY. I'll go find some of your work and let it rattle in my head. What did you mean by "word verification"?