Three Saddams Down, Two to Go

A Disassociated Press Report, April 29, 2003

By Eric Mader-Lin

The third of a presumed five Saddams was captured today north of Baghdad, according to a Pentagon spokesman. Saddam number 3, also know as "high-five" Saddam, was apprehended from a small caravan of vehicles mostly filled with elderly people seeking refuge from the war-torn capital.

"He was disguised as an elderly lady," said the Pentagon source. "When the ruse was discovered he began to cry and claimed he never really wanted to be a Saddam, but had always wanted to be a clown. He claimed he'd been forced into serving the regime because of his resemblance to the Iraqi leader."

Saddam number 3 was called "high-five" Saddam because of his more outgoing physical demeanor. He was last seen on Iraqi television cheering on Baghdad residents on the eve of the coalition forces' entrance of the city.

If confirmed this capture would bring to three the number of Saddams either dead or captured. Among the two remaining Saddams are "chubby" Saddam (so-called for his slightly thicker cheeks) and "unconvincing" Saddam, a Saddam rarely used by the regime for anything but school openings and weddings of mayors' daughters.

Saddams number 1 and 2 ("conference-table" Saddam and "top" Saddam) were both killed when coalition forces bombed the downtown Baghdad restaurant known to be frequented by all the Saddams. The restaurant served both traditional Iraqi and European cuisine and was called Saddam's.

CIA sources now believe the original Saddam Hussein died in the early 1990s in a violent argument with his son Uday over the conduct of the first Gulf War. According to the story told by several captured senior Republican Guards, Uday shot his father in a fit of rage and then took the gun to his own head.

Three of the four remaining Uday Husseins emerged from an underground Baghdad bunker on April 16th and surrendered to coalition forces. The whereabouts of the fourth Uday, also called "Polo" Uday, are still unknown.

Praising leaders of the coalition forces on Monday for the swift progress of the war, one of the George Bushes (the one with the thinner eyebrows and slightly more pronounced Texas drawl) said: "I have just one thing to say to the remaining Saddams. We won't stop until we find you. We're gonna hunt you down. We're gonna bring you to justice."