Sunday, June 14, 2009

Vlad: IV.

Police Puzzled by "Vampire Attack"

Taipei police are puzzled by what appears to be a vampire attack that took place Friday night in the downtown area. Around 10:00 p.m. Friday, residents living near the four-hundred block of Chia-Hsing St. reported hearing a woman scream, and some even reported having seen a mysterious man fleeing down the street in the dark.

When police arrived a few minutes later, a young woman was found lying on the ground behind a row of parked motorbikes. The woman, whose identity has not been revealed, is currently under observation at Taipei Adventist Hospital.

Two circumstances of the crime have led police to talk of a "vampire attack." First, the victim was found to have four small holes in her neck resembling tooth marks. Second, the doctor's report shows that when she arrived at the hospital the woman was suffering from a lack of blood.

Speaking before city government officials, Taipei's mayor called the crime a "disgusting case of perversion" and ordered police to "solve it before the pervert attacks another innocent victim."

When asked if he thought it was possible that there was a real vampire in Taipei, Mayor Chen said: "Nobody should worry about that. Of course there's no such thing as real vampires. This guy has obviously watched too many vampire movies. We will catch him."

Susan Chow, The China Post, Sunday, February 16, 1997

* * *

Inspector Lin sat at his desk rubbing his eyes. He wasn't one bit happy with this mysterious new case.

"Why is it every time they have a pervert they need to catch, they call me?" he complained to Captain Hsu, who stood before his desk waiting for orders.

Captain Hsu was used to the inspector's complaints.

"But inspector," he said, "you are the best for the job. They give you the hardest cases because they know you're the best."

"Don't flatter me!" snapped the inspector. "Call in the first witness."

Captain Hsu left the office and came back with a tall woman in her forties. The woman sat down.

"Okay, Mrs. Lu," said the inspector. "You are Mrs. Lu, yes?"

"Yes, I am," said the woman.

"Okay, I only have a few questions, Mrs. Lu. First, what were you doing when you heard the scream?"

"I was folding clothes in the bedroom when I heard the scream."

"I see," said the inspector. "Did you see or hear anything else that might be of interest to us?"

"Yes, I did," said Mrs. Lu. "I went to the window and opened the blind, and I saw a black thing fly away in the dark. It looked like a very large bird, but I couldn't see it clearly."

"Hmm. That's very strange," said Inspector Lin. "Very strange. Did you see the woman who was attacked?"

"No, I didn't," replied Mrs. Lu. "She must have already fallen on the ground, and I couldn't see her from my window."

"Yes, you're probably right. That will be all, Mrs. Lu. Thank you," Inspector Lin said, pointing her to the door. "Captain, call in the next witness."

Mrs. Lu left the office and a young man came in. Captain Hsu announced Mr. Chen.

"Okay, Mr. Chen," said Inspector Lin. "Please tell me what you were doing when you heard the scream."

"I was watching TV when I heard the scream," said Mr. Chen.

"I see. Did you see or hear anything else that might interest us?"

"Well, I didn't go to the window right away because my favorite TV show was on," admitted Mr. Chen. "And when I finally went to the window to look, all I saw was a young woman lying on the ground and a lot of people standing around."

"A lot of people?" asked Inspector Lin. "What kind of people were they?"

"Oh, there was an ambulance, and there were some police, but mostly people who just came down to see what was going on."

"I see. So when you went to the window to look, the police were already there," the inspector said with annoyance. "And you waited so long because your favorite TV show was on."

"Yes," said Mr. Chen.

"You couldn't even get up from your favorite TV show to see what might be happening to one of your own neighbors."

"Well . . ."

"That's really disgusting, Mr. Chen. Disgusting! No wonder our job is so hard in this city. With people like you everywhere--"

"But my favorite show is only on once a week!" pleaded Mr. Chen.

"Once a week?" snapped the inspector ironically. "Once a week, you say? I'm talking about murder here, Mr. Chen! Do you hear me? Murder!"

"Inspector, I have a right to--"

"You have a right?" interrupted the inspector. "Get out of my office this minute, you dog! Out! You better hope I never see your face again!"

The inspector banged his fist down on his desk and stood up stiffly as Mr. Chen left the office. He began rubbing his eyes again.

"Captain Hsu!" he called. "Get in here right now!"

"Yes, sir?" said the captain rushing into the room.

"Can you tell me, captain, what a witness is?" asked the inspector.

"Of course, sir," said the captain. "A witness is a person who sees a crime."

"Very good, captain," said the inspector. "Then why are you bringing me people like this moron Chen who only got out of his chair and looked twenty minutes after the criminal had fled? Why!"

"Well, sir--"

"Don't give me your well, sir's, captain! I've got enough to do with these pervert cases! The least you people could do is make sure I'm questioning real witnesses in here! Do you hear me?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Call in the next witness, then. And I hope for your sake he is a witness!"

Captain Hsu announced Mr. Jordan. A very tall black man entered the room.

"Please sit down, Mr. Jordan," said the inspector, somewhat surprised. "You . . . You are Michael Jordan, the basketball star, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," said Michael Jordan.

"Well," said the inspector. "I'm very pleased to meet you. May I ask what you're doing here in Taiwan?"

"I came here to promote my new logo shoes," replied Michael Jordan.

"I see. And why were you in the area where this strange crime took place?" asked the inspector.

"Well," replied Michael Jordan, "I met this kid named Kurt at the basketball court. And he wanted to play against me one-on-one, you know. And this kid Kurt is pretty good at basketball, but he's not so tall. I mean, if he jumps he can barely reach my nose. So when we started to play basketball, I whipped his butt."

"I'm sorry," said the inspector. "You 'whipped his butt'? What does that mean?"

"You know, I wiped up the court with him," said Michael Jordan.

"You 'wiped up the court with him.' Hmm. I don't understand," said Inspector Lin. "My English is--"

"I creamed him!" said Michael Jordan, gesturing with his big hands. "I creamed the kid."

"I see," answered Inspector Lin. "You 'creamed him.' But I still don't understand what you're actually saying, Mr. Jordan."

"Well, when we started to play basketball, I won," said Michael Jordan.

"Oh, I see! You won. What you've been saying is you won. When you say you whipped his butt, or you wiped up the court with him, or you creamed him, that means you won," said the inspector.

"Yes!" said Michael Jordan. "I won. That's what I'm trying to tell you. But then Kurt started to look sad, and I thought maybe he was going to cry. But I didn't want him to cry, so I said, 'Hey, Kurt, why don't we go get some pizza?' But he didn't want pizza. He wanted me to come to his house to play video basketball against him."

"On his computer?" asked the inspector.

"Yes! He wanted to play video basketball. So I said: 'Okay, Kurt, I'll go play video basketball with you.' And I went to his house to play. We were playing video basketball when we heard the scream."

"I see, Mr. Jordan. Did you see or hear anything else that might be of interest to us?"

"Yes, I did. I went to the window to see what was happening, and I saw a man running down the street. And then--it was very mysterious, inspector--he hopped three times, and the third time he hopped he never came back down to the ground, and I saw something flying away in the dark."

"Are you sure you saw that, Mr. Jordan?" asked the inspector.

"Yes, I am," said Michael Jordan.

"That’s really very mysterious," said the inspector, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes for a moment. "That is strange."

"I think it is too, inspector."

"Well, I'm very happy you came in here to answer my questions, Mr. Jordan. I just want to know one more thing."


"Did you whip Kurt's butt on video basketball too?"

"No," said Michael Jordan laughing. "No, I didn't, inspector. Kurt whipped my butt!"

"I see, Mr. Jordan," said the inspector laughing. "Have a nice visit to Taiwan."

The two men shook hands, and Michael Jordan left the office.

[Chapter IV by Karen, Judy, Alice, and others.]

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